Lady Jade Lioness' Den

This is going to be a short entry. Something has come up, and I need therapy and help outside of what this blog can provide. It’s also one of the few times that I’m not comfortable discussing things here. So I have been quiet. I feel gripped, I can feel it choking me and I’ve been running and finally was able to give it a name, and am finally able to seek help for it. I’m not sure what will happen, but I’ve felt as if my life has been put on hold.

Still, I like writing here, so I’m going to write and review something which I never thought I’d give a rave review to: Avatar. I saw it once way back when it first came out and hated it. But it’s strange how much context and perspective can change things. I can still understand why people would hate it, but I really like it. Related to the opener of this post, I was taken to see it (actually twice) by family as a way to get out of the house and for that, it’s actually really good. It’s pretty, it’s fun, it’s escapism, it has some great performances, nice music, and I liked the 3D effects. I like Sigourney Weaver and Michelle Rodriguez, and both were very good in the show. The movie had its sweet moments, it had some fun action sequences and didn’t get overly serious (except for the ‘fight terror with terror’ speech, this isn’t a political drama Cameron). While I still wonder what could have been done with this technology and world they created if they wrote it better or took an original angle on the conflict; it does the trick. When I watch it I feel like a kid again. Well, a little Jade. So I feel like a kid for the first time. Saying “a kid again” could be a nightmare, but this is the good version… Anyways, not sure how much longer it’s going to be in theaters, but I might go a third (well fourth) time when the crowds aren’t thick if I’m having mood swings. I go in pretty much terrified of what’s around me and it lifts my spirits. Anyways, if you haven’t seen it, see it while its still in theaters. It was designed to be a spectacle and a fun movie and it really is, and the 3D is cool. There’s one scene that’s hard to take, but I just cover my ears so that there’s no trigger now. I just hope that people realize that Avatar was designed to be in 3D and show it off. I have a fear that everyone’s going to go “Every movie should be 3D!” forgetting that it really doesn’t work for most projects. However even with that small warning I have no doubt Star Wars Episodes 1 through 6 will make their way back to theaters in full 3D by 2011. Jar Jar Binks… in your face… it’s coming.

You could probably read into Avatar as a transsexual fantasy too, but that’s for when I can actually write. The words don’t flow to me as easily right now. But given how many of us hope and pray to go to sleep and wake up in another body, and then for some undergoing SRS it can feel like that actually happens… I don’t know if there’s an idea here, but Na’vi… Tra’ni… Think about it.

I usually do something for the full moon, but tonight I’m just taking it easy. Again, not sure if I’ll write here or not. It seems with all of this, my ability to stream words together easily is somewhat impaired. So I’m just waiting to see a specialist, reading comic books and going to see repeat viewings of Avatar. My apetite has been shot, so I’m going to eat something.

Happy Full Moon!

- Jade

P.S. I just realized this is post number 200.

From The Independent UK: “India’s ‘Third Sex’ Win a Measure of Public Acceptance”

A friend passed this article to me this morning and I thought I’d do a quick comment on it; both in regards to the Hijra’s progress specifically as well as it’s reflection of wider themes.

While far from perfect, as one woman points out, the recent progress for the Hijra has been remarkable. Particularly the ability to put ‘other’ on a legal document when it comes to gender. While personally I have said that I would (and have) always put ‘female’, what this has done is legitimized the Hijra’s place within society. The article addresses the positive steps forward, but doesn’t go into the fact that when you give that designation, it helps make something more visible. Naturally, I am not defending the caste system, but these moves have taken the Hijra from being invisible in a legal sense, and othered, to at least having a stronger place  within society.

I am not sure if I am making much sense, today the words aren’t flowing today as easily as they usually do. However, I will say that it’s been personal experience that giving something a name, or giving it a designation/ purpose is a remarkable thing. In terms of the Hijra, where at least now they have a little more means of making themselves known, but also the acknowledgment that there is a place in society now. Let me see… When I was younger, at first I was confused and scared about what I was (in terms of being a transwoman). Then there was the anger of “Why did this happen to me?”. The problem is that in western society where we don’t even acknowledge transsexuals (and what little is spoken about us ends with a punchline), there feelings of being invisible and the feelings of being illegitimate get to you. The silence is deafening.

When Cybele opened her temples to and called the Gallae, She gave not only a home but a purpose and an identity to those who needed it most. To an extent, as I wrote in a previous post, one reason why I wish to increase the presence of Cybeline faith is because of this reason. Call it silly, but when you are so angry, so confused and so lost; to have a purpose and a place is a gift. What does this have to do with the Hijra? Well, the Hijra are one of the oldest transsexual communities with a history which goes back thousands upon thousands of years. While these reforms are not perfect, the government extends in a small way what Cybele did for the Gallae; acknowledgment, legitimacy and a feeling that they are being understood.

Indeed the question at the end of this article reflects the question of why western cultures do not acknowledge trans people. Like the Hijra, many trans women today live in very poor conditions, cannot find a home, cannot find work and turn to sex work as they have no other option. However, we don’t acknowledge the community. Seriously, many people whom I meet tell me that I am the first transsexual they have ever met (not true, but the first which has been willing to talk about it). There’s a curiosity there because I am something new, something that they have never thought about before because again, we are not talked about. But we are here. We have always been here. We were here before European settlers, it’s well known that First Nations people acknowledged and had a place for transsexuals. Hell, nearly every ancient civilization and many modern ones do; except the western ones.

In the end, why am I advocating a place for transsexuals when I spend so much time trying to blend in? Because despite being all female, I am still a transsexual. While not related through blood (almost certainly given many castration practices), I come from a group which has a history, which has had traditions, faith and a place within society which was stripped of it relatively recently. I am part of a community with unique challenges, whom will experience things others will not which are unique to the community (exactly how many non-trannies get sex changes or even change their gender role within society?). This should be acknowledged, and it is important because for every one of me who has the resources to write a blog post like this, there are thousands more who are invisible. I am one of the lucky ones.

Perhaps it’s religion, one of the major points of monotheism was the set in stone biological essentialist view of sex. As much as most in society wouldn’t consider themselves to be particularly religious, those values still permeate through society. Perhaps it’s our disconnect from history, which might be influenced by monotheism, but when we are constantly moving forward we tend to discard history as silly or primitive. Even if it happened a mere hundred years ago.

I believe I have made my point. For some reason I really can’t write today… Also it’s gorgeous out and I’m going to grab a coffee and go for a walk. The point is the title of this post, silence is deafening. With the progress the Hijra have made, it alleviates that to an extent. Also that western society seems increasingly disconnected from history, which not only neglects the rich traditions and faiths of old but is also extremely dangerous… and hurtful to people like myself. There are many who believe we are the product of surgical advances of the 20th century.

- Jade

P.S. I am not sure if it is possible, but during a pilgrimage to the area I would like to live with the Hijra for some time. I know it is dangerous and a far cry from my culture, but perhaps I feel an urge to explore transsexual culture.

P.P.S. “The silence was deafening.” is one of my favourite expressions, so much so I started ‘The Lady General’ with something thematically similar.

It’s not the full beta, but for those curious here’s my livestream account. Any casts which are done live will be added to the 24/7 cycle, so there’ll always be something on. Enjoy.

While this reading break hasn’t exactly meant me getting any real work done, either side projects or one of the five essays due in short order; it has been interesting. I’ve been trying to fight feelings of isolation, and am still somewhat unsure about what to do now after things fell through with my original plans. It seems to be working. In another gradual move forward, I’ve started paying more attention to my appearance. The biological components are pretty much done, so now it’s a matter of finalizing a style and learning to do make-up, which is going alright. I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it but I will, starting small before I work up to things more dramatic. It’s  alright, starting to get more of an interest in it. I think what held me back so long was worry of falling into the tranny stereotype of applying too much or doing it wrong (people forget that we didn’t have hours as young girls to practice this stuff).

I also wanted to do a Mass Effect 2 review, but while writing it out I realized that I don’t have much more to say that hasn’t already been said. It’s a fun game, kept me up late nights wanting to know what happened next (an endless cycle up until the climax), most of the characters are cool, Jennifer Hale as female Shepard is great (and it’s a shame all the marketing uses the default human state of male). However the scanning for resource sections are as tedious as they sound and the story suffers from ’second in the trilogy’ syndrome but has a fairly solid opener despite (the ending kinda fell apart and brought less resolution than the first).  It’s a solid game, had great voice acting, the textures and visuals were extremely polished, the load times were very much improved and I had fun with the combat despite it wearing a bit thin by the end. I also liked how they did away with the inventory system, I hated the inventory system of the first game. But other than that I don’t have much to say on it, it’s the kinda game that made me think “Yes, I had fun and the experience was great but that’s about it.” In the end it is still the second in the trilogy, more polished than the first but until they really start explaining and wrapping things up I just feel like I’m hanging on for part 3. Oh, I will say that despite a brilliant end game, the final boss was greatly uninspired, out of place and its form made no goddamn sense if you think about it. But Harbinger’s last little move was kinda cool and a little sad for the bug thing. I just wish they did more with Harbinger in general, you didn’t get to know it like Sovereign. I really wish I didn’t have the beginning spoiled for me shortly before I played, I was so good at avoiding spoilers. Last thing, Samara’s loyalty mission was pretty hot.

A friend did have a wonderful idea (and this is a big shift in gears) which I’ve been trying to research and follow up on. It revolved around one of the few Cybeline websites was taken down, and I mentioned I had found the Google cache to back the pages up (all except for my favourite section oddly). She mentioned that it might be a good idea to write a book about Cybeline history, practice, and on how things were to create a more concrete record. There are academic and subjective texts out there studying the Cult of Cybele, but the interpretations can be off (particularly when discussing the Gallae) and this idea takes things a little farther. It might be over ambitious, but I want to see if I can write the second half of the book on re-legitimizing and modernizing the religion for 2010 (or 2055 for when my projects are likely to finish). I’ve always thought there is a hidden blessing in no longer being the dominant ideology/ religion/ culture/ nation, in that it allows time to reflect on what happened, what still works and what needs to be re-imagined/ interpreted as to bring worship into the 21st century. So part of this project will focus on that topic. However, despite having read everything I can get my hands on, I’m still not as knowledgeable as I need to be, and there’s quite a bit more research and debate to be done. Also, I want part of this book to stem from a pilgrimage. So, someday in the near future (3-5 years perhaps) I’ll need to hit the Mediterranean and go into the heart of Pagan Goddess worship, probably start in Egypt (every area worshiped a different aspect of the Goddess, Cybele being one of those aspects) and work my way over until I’m at Phrygian Hill (the center of Cybele’s worship and greatest temple, which was burned to the ground). Might be interesting to do it as a form of helping the cause, and to write something non-fiction. Not sure when writing will begin, But I have gone back to a few books on my shelves and am studying them in greater depth, I’m terrible with names and there’s a lot of history to learn. Additionally ‘Aspect’ is a term I need to use in future works regarding ‘The Lady General’…

I did get out to see a few shows lately, which is always nice. First a belly dancing show put on by a studio which I’m planning on taking lessons at (as soon as I get up the courage, but I’m thinking Friday). I had a lot of fun at that, nights out at the theater are one of my favourite things. Especially nice conversation and red wine at intermission. Generally I feel in my element, and when the show is great, and the company is interesting and the wine is good, I’m happy. Saw Carmen last night as well, after a day of running around trying to find something to wear. I was successful in the end, went with a long satin black skirt which would go great with a leather corset for an elegant Domme look, a pair of black leather boots with a 4″ heel (I seem to be going up. Two pairs ago it was 1″, then 2″ and now 4″. One more pair and I’m into fetish territory) and a violet top which is difficult to describe. I’m sure there’s a style where it wraps up around my neck and ties up in the back, then falls over my chest, but I don’t know what it’s called. I just know what I like, usually I’m not entirely sure what it’s called. Also I got a violet very formal dress for very special occasions. When I saw it I fell in love and with luck it fit perfectly. Totally couldn’t afford it, but my father was kind enough to cover the expense.

Carmen was an interesting opera. Firstly I got to see the context of all the music I’ve heard throughout my life, and that was pretty neat. I had no idea that Jose stabs Carmen at the end, even if you can feel it coming. (No spoiler warning, it premiered in 1875) Which made me feel a bit conflicted. It made sense, but it was a tragedy to see Jose fall so far. The entire opera seemed to revolve around a woman who was in love with the idea of love more than lovers themselves, and a man who simply could not understand. Or perhaps the strength of Jose’s love for Carmen became too strong, something she did not expect. Perhaps she did, there was the scene where Carmen’s fortune is told and she is convinced that their deaths were coming, which explains why she didn’t run when she had the chance. That was curious, the point that she could not escape it. Perhaps that’s why Jose showed up at the arena instead of going home to his mother, fate wouldn’t allow peaceful resolution to the Jose’s entanglement in a woman well known for her manipulation and rapid turnover of lovers. But I don’t think this was a story about Carmen’s mistakes, if that makes sense. I suppose you could read into it as “she got what was coming to her” (which is insulting from a human and feminist perspective). But maybe Carmen’s abilities to have any man fall in love with her was a curse which simply eventually caught the wrong man. Not to excuse Jose, he did decide to stab her. They both seemed unwilling to run from the course of events. I suppose I’m looking for the theme of the show. Perhaps it has to do with the line “Try to trap love and it will run from you. Run from love and it will trap you.” and in the end it seemed like a cruel climax to Carmen whose desires and enjoyment of love itself couldn’t be tolerated in a world where it is less about love and more about the lover which was seen as important. Perhaps Jose was trying to trap Carmen’s love and in the end it ended up consuming him. I am not entirely sure if I am making sense, but if I find a simpler way to say it I will edit this post.

These shows have also been a great way to fight the isolation I’ve felt lately. So I’ll need to make more of an effort to just get out there and do something I love and talk to new and interesting people during the intermissions. For all the progress though, I still feel a need to return to the ‘nest’ (my apartment) and relax afterward, sometimes it can be stressful and I’m still getting better at the whole social thing. I still can’t pick up on hints and clues that people give about true intentions unless someone beats me over the head with it. I’ve also started poking around Facebook some more and trying Reddit’s Chatroulette for when I’m bored. I’ve actually met a few cool people there too, amidst all the “Holy shit a girl!” college and high school kids. Although I don’t really mind that either… Got into a long chat with some guy dressed as a ninja, I think we were chatting for at least two hours. Interesting experiment that thing is.

Back to the nerdy side of me, I haven’t gotten a StarCraft II beta key and that makes me very sad. But despite having shifted my focus to StarCraft for the past couple weeks, my Street Fighter IV skills haven’t suffered much. I just had to work a little bit to get my technique for hitting someone out of the air with a flaming kick after an EX Seismo back, but that only took about five minutes of practice. I’ve got a few higher difficulty combos down, I just need to learn how to open them up when I’m fighting a good opponent. Also I haven’t seen a PC version of Super SFIV announced, and that also makes me sad.

So, that’s me at the moment. Doing fairly well. Still not quite sure what to do with the few hundred photos of myself, but the below post has a few. Either way, I’m going to try and be productive now (or watch pro-SC).

Ciao for now!

- Jade

That would be the closest shot I got. Not bad at all. Still say I need the breasts to really pull of that cover but I like it.

The photos from the photo shoot are in, and I’ll be adding some to a gallery. Still debating if I should post the nude shots… (Which is most of them) But we’ll see. I will post a few stand out ones here, particularly the one above and this one…

I’m thinking about having the one above framed. The images raw are 2592×3872 so getting a large one to have would be fairly easy. I realize that with that resolution you can pick out every little thing on my skin, and I did this without make-up. Still, I think they came off looking really nice. I think that one I might send to Carey, I’d prefer to be somewhat clothed for it and I love the dress and look.

I’m still tweaking the gallery, so I won’t post the link quite yet. However, if you are interested, here’s links to a few of the NSFW images. I debated posting them like the above as a way to scare family members away from reading this blog, but I’ll save that for if it ever becomes a problem. Below are a couple of the shots:

NSFW Shot 01

NSFW Shot 02

NSFW Shot 03

- Jade